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Basic Toilet Humor

Restroom comedy has traditionally served as the safe haven for daily publications, and writers stay alert of notable bog-related stories and historic moments, especially in relation to football. Readers were entertained to learn that an online journalist a famous broadcaster owns a West Bromwich Albion-inspired toilet within his residence. Consider the situation about the Tykes follower who interpreted the restroom somewhat too seriously, and had to be saved from a deserted Oakwell after falling asleep on the loo during halftime of a 2015 loss by Fleetwood. “He had no shoes on and misplaced his cellphone and his headwear,” explained an official from the local fire department. And who can forget when, at the height of his fame playing for City, the Italian striker popped into a local college to use the facilities during 2012. “His luxury car was stationed outside, then came in and was asking where the toilets were, then he went to the teachers’ staff room,” an undergraduate shared with a Manchester newspaper. “Subsequently he wandered around the college grounds as if he owned it.”

The Toilet Resignation

Tuesday represents 25 years since Kevin Keegan stepped down as the England coach following a short conversation within a restroom stall alongside FA executive David Davies deep within Wembley Stadium, following that infamous 1-0 defeat against Germany in 2000 – the Three Lions' last game at the legendary venue. As Davies remembers in his diary, his private Football Association notes, he entered the drenched troubled England locker room immediately after the match, discovering David Beckham crying and Tony Adams “fired up”, both of them pleading for the director to convince Keegan. After Dietmar Hamann's set-piece, Keegan moved wearily along the passageway with a thousand-yard stare, and Davies discovered him collapsed – similar to his Anfield posture in 1996 – within the changing area's edge, saying quietly: “I'm done. I can't handle this.” Collaring Keegan, Davies worked frantically to save the circumstance.

“Where on earth could we find for a private conversation?” remembered Davies. “The tunnel? Crawling with television reporters. The locker room? Packed with upset players. The bath area? I couldn’t hold a vital conversation with the team manager as squad members entered the baths. Merely one possibility emerged. The toilet cubicles. A dramatic moment in England’s long football history happened in the old toilets of a stadium facing demolition. The impending destruction could almost be smelled in the air. Dragging Kevin into a cubicle, I shut the door behind us. We remained standing, looking at each other. ‘You can’t change my mind,’ Kevin said. ‘I'm leaving. I'm not capable. I’m going out to the press to tell them I’m not up to it. I cannot inspire the squad. I can't extract the additional effort from these athletes that's required.’”

The Consequences

Consequently, Keegan quit, subsequently confessing he considered his period as Three Lions boss “without spirit”. The two-time Ballon d’Or winner added: “I found it hard to fill in the time. I began working with the visually impaired team, the deaf team, working with the ladies team. It's a tremendously tough role.” The English game has progressed significantly over the past twenty-five years. Whether for good or bad, those Wembley toilets and those two towers are long gone, while a German now sits in the coaching zone Keegan formerly inhabited. Tuchel's team is considered among the frontrunners for next year's international tournament: National team followers, value this time. This particular anniversary from one of the Three Lions’ darkest days is a reminder that things were not always so comfortable.

Live Updates

Tune in with Luke McLaughlin at 8pm British Summer Time for Women's major tournament coverage from Arsenal 2-1 OL Lyonnes.

Today's Statement

“We stood there in a lengthy line, wearing only our undergarments. We were the continent's finest referees, premier athletes, inspirations, grown-ups, parents, determined individuals with high morals … yet nobody spoke. We barely looked at each other, our eyes shifted somewhat anxiously when we were requested to advance in couples. There Collina inspected us completely with a freezing stare. Mute and attentive” – former international referee Jonas Eriksson discloses the embarrassing processes officials were once put through by previous European football refereeing head Pierluigi Collina.

Soccer Mailbag

“What does a name matter? A Dr Seuss verse exists named ‘Too Many Daves’. Did Blackpool encounter Steve Overload? Steve Bruce, along with aides Steve Agnew and Steve Clemence have been dismissed through the exit. Does this conclude the club's Steve fixation? Not quite! Steve Banks and Steve Dobbie remain to manage the main squad. Total Steve progression!” – John Myles

“Now you have loosened the purse strings and awarded some merch, I've chosen to type and offer a concise remark. Postecoglou mentions he initiated altercations on the school grounds with children he anticipated would defeat him. This self-punishing inclination must explain his choice to sign with Nottingham Forest. Being a longtime Tottenham fan I'll continue appreciating the subsequent season award but the only second-season trophy I can see him winning near the Trent River, if he remains that duration, is the second tier and that would be a significant battle {under the present owner” – Stewart McGuinness.|